Ryback def. Chris Jericho
What happened to Ryback? Unstoppable monster turned super bitch. That’s exactly what Ryback is now, a cry baby bitch! Just because I like the word, I’ll call Ryback a bitch again for he is a BITCH. His bitch fits have gone from “Oh my GOD, John! You weren’t there for me when I needed you!” to “OW! Call off this match! My knee has a boo-boo!”. Where’s the Ryback we had a year ago, who was routinely beating 2 men at once, was on a seemingly unstoppable winning streak and had a bright future despite a one dimensional character? Dead in a ditch. Buried. R.I.P 2012 – 2013.
We’re supposed to hate Ryback now, or at least boo him. We’re now laughing at him because he’s just done a complete one eighty! Jericho was right to call him Cryback. Anyway, onto the match. I figure this match is to help elevate Ryback after losing on PPV for the last year or so. Chris Jericho can make anyone look good, right? Noooot so much.
Jericho is just going through the motions. He did the same for Fandango during their feud. It’s disappointing. I like Jericho, but even his match last month with CM Punk seemed dull and uninspiring. I think he needs to go back to Fozzy and stay away for a while, as much as it pains me to say that. He can’t offer that much more, especially when he’s supposed to help the new guys, but can’t do so to the best of his ability. It sucks.
The finish was lame as hell. Jericho goes for the Lionsault, Ryback moves, Jericho lands on his feet and succumbs to a VERY lazy roll up. Ryback didn’t stack him up, so Jericho could have actually kicked out at any time. A child could have kicked out of that roll up. Is this supposed to be a good thing for Ryback? Nope. It makes him look like even more of a… Yeah, you guessed it. A BITCH.
World Heavyweight Championship
Alberto Del Rio (c) def. Dolph Ziggler
What in the suffering fuck did these two do to get saddled with an inane finish like they got? For thirteen minutes, these guys gave it their all only to have it thrown away by a shitty disqualification finish? In the closing moments, Dolph and Del Rio were down and recovering when all of a sudden the familiar bouncy tune of “Let’s Light it Up” flows through the arena. Technical botch? Nope. AJ Lee comes skipping to the ring. She skips around the ring and presents herself outside to Dolph who is less than thrilled that she came to the ring. He tells her to leave, she looks sad and then that’s when the shenanigans begin. Dolph gets distracted, but manages to seemingly overcome it, before a brief exchange between he and Del Rio prompts AJ to get in the ring and clobber Del Rio with the Divas Championship. No rhyme. No reason. Just a very disappointing end to the match.
Let me be fair, this match was great. I didn’t like the beginning of the match because this is supposed to be a blood feud. Dolph cashed in Money in the Bank against an injured Del Rio. Dolph gets sidelined with a concussion and in his first defense of the belt, loses it to Del Rio who takes advantage of the concussion, almost ending Ziggler’s career (Hi, Chris Nowinski!)
What should have happened, is that as soon as the bell rang, the two men should have gone straight for each other. What we got was Dolph playing to the crowd and forgetting the fact that Del Rio had tried to end his career the month before. Retrograde amnesia? Ha, if only we were so lucky…
That being said, the rest of the match was hard hitting and intense. It was really well executed, until the finish which still infuriates me. I see no end game to this right now, aside from AJ revealing that she’s now hopping onto ADR’s dick and riding off into the Mexican sunset. Knowing AJ’s storyline over the past year, it’s very likely too! In her WWE career she’s had relationships with CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Kane, John Cena, Dolph Ziggler and the often forgotten relationship with Primo.
Yeah. Primo. (Whatever happened to him, anyway?)
Anyway, hopefully at Summerslam these two will get to end their feud properly without any shenanigans. We can’t be dealing with that in this environment. Hopefully we’ll get better psychology too.
John Cena (c) def. Mark Henry
God damn is Mark Henry a underrated talent. He’s come into his own over the past couple of years, beginning with the start of his Hall of Pain, leading into what many thought was an unlikely World Heavyweight Championship reign which he rocked and only just recently he suckered most of the wrestling world into thinking he was going to hang up the boots and leave for greener pastures (Not TNA. loltna) Instead, what he created was a lie to sucker John Cena in and grab himself a WWE Championship match which is exactly what he got.
For weeks he kept Cena on his toes, whenever the two were in the same vicinity, Mark would make a move and John would flinch. It was amazing. For all the bravado that Cena exudes, it seemed that Mark had his number. Especially, when you factor in that nobody gave Mark Henry a chance when he was going up against Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship. It was all wishful thinking until Mark put Orton down and became champion.
Unfortunately, it’s still wishful thinking when it comes to Mark Henry: WWE Champion. In a largely formulaic Cena match, Mark Henry tried his best but ended up tapping out to the STF. Instead of possibly having an out, Cena beat Henry very decisively, there’s no way to defend tapping out. You can claim that you kicked out at two all day long, but when you physically tap the mat, you lose any excuse. It’s very disappointing, since Mark is in the twilight of his career and arguably deserves even a small run as WWE Champion, especially since he performed so well as World Heavyweight Champion. The scenario I had painted out was that Mark Henry did the impossible again, defended against Cena at Summerslam and then eventually fell to a Money In The Bank wielding Daniel Bryan at Summerslam before leaving. That’s not going to happen…
The real shame is that Mark Vs Cena II, if it does happen will have little to no excitement behind it because as I said, tapping out is as decisive as decisive can get. Way to shoot this great feud in the foot, WWE. Kudos.
WWE All-Stars Money In The Bank Match
Winner gets a guaranteed shot at the WWE Championship
Randy Orton def. Rob Van Dam, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Sheamus & Christian
Now we have our main event… What a match. WHAT A MATCH. Evidently, the stars of the match are perennial favourites of the so-called IWC. Rob Van Dam hasn’t looked that great in a match in years, maybe leaving TNA has given him a fresh lease on his wrestling career. He looked great, wrestled great and showed us all why he is still “The Whole Fucking Show”. No, I’m not being biased. He really did impress, especially when Randy Orton pulled him down from the ladder and caught him in mid air with the RKO. That was a thing of absolute beauty, without question.
CM Punk was second favourite in this match, behind Daniel Bryan (more on him in a bit). We knew that Heyman would get involved. The writing was on the wall from the outset. I personally was hoping for Brock Lesnar to do the deed, but instead it was Heyman himself who stabbed Punk in the back, having sent out Curtis Axel to prevent Daniel Bryan from winning the match, leaving the door wide open for Punk to climb the ladder to certain victory… Until Paul Heyman slammed a ladder into his legs, ripping the carpet from underneath him. Not only did Heyman cost Punk the match, he also caused him to bleed with a few vicious throws of the ladder. Damn that dastardly Heyman! At least we’re clear that it’s Heyman pulling the strings and not the “Beast Incarnate” Brock Lesnar.
Over the past month, Daniel Bryan has been a house on fire! Impressive outings week in week out, trying to prove to the world he was not the weak link of Team Hell No. With Kane sidelined due to the Wyatt Family’s brutal devices on Raw, this left Bryan on his own and boy did he excel! The man is showing why he is one of the greatest wrestlers in the world, and the little actual wrestling exchange he did with Punk early on was fun to watch. I’m sure we were all mortified when Curtis Axel stopped him from winning, due to the fact that Axel sucks a major one, but maybe this is a good thing. Rather than Daniel Bryan win another case, maybe getting on a road to the WWE Championship without the shortcut may be better for him in the long run, even if he does pick up the Intercontinental Championship along the way.
Sheamus surprised me in this match. Usually I skip his matches, because of them being formulaic and tedious but tonight he set out to impress and that he did. Maybe it was the fact that he had to adapt to having 5 other competitors and couldn’t rely on the same spots, but boy was it refreshing to see! Also, what a spectacular bump through the ladder! Two years ago he put Sin Cara through a ladder with the Celtic Cross, this year it was his turn to be put through that after being knocked off the turnbuckle and taking the plunge!
Disappointing stuff from both Christian and Orton for the most part. Aside from the RKO, nothing Orton did stood out to me. Same goes for Christian. I’d imagine Christian wanted to play it safe after he had been out for around a year with a shoulder injury, and that didn’t fit well with the match type, especially with his legacy in these ladder matches. Orton winning was a huge disappointment and left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Hated it. HATED. IT. Orton doesn’t need a damn briefcase! But to be fair, it was a lot better than Cena winning last year. Cena didn’t need the case! Cena can get a WWE Championship match at will, or so it seems. It seemed WWE were backed up into a corner on this one and it was the lesser of 5 evils.
Aside from the disappointing outings of two of the competitors, the match was really entertaining until the finish. The finish itself could have been better executed had Orton not spent thirty seconds surveying the carnage, expecting someone to take him out. Grab the case! That’s all you need to do! I’m sure you weren’t intending to do a Jack Swagger and spend a minute and a half trying to unhook the damn thing! That was wholly unnecessary, but otherwise a cool match to end the show on.
Overall, I have mixed feeling towards this pay-per-view. the matches were largely great, apart from a few that didn’t live up to the others, but what pay-per-view has wall to wall great matches? What blew this PPV were odd choices, from winners to finishes. On paper, we could have had a phenomenal event, but for whatever reason the choices made dragged it down a whole step. It’s such a shame too. I hope that the way things turn out from here on out makes the decisions made here look a lot better in hindsight. But it’s wrestling, there’s no logic in wrestling anymore… Just look at TNA. Thanks for reading.